It’s one of those moments in life when I decide whether or not to put my money where my mouth is. I can either walk the walk or acknowledge to myself that, in some respects, I’m a fraud.
Over the past several years, whenever friends and acquaintances have been in difficult times, when appropriate I’ve sometimes offered up their potential choice of faith over fear. I’ve made a humble friendly suggestion that a path of relying on God could be far less painful than dwelling in fear of what might or might not happen.
And as I write this, there’s a handwritten sign taped on the wall over my desk which says, “With God all things are possible.”
I know I’m not a deliberate hypocrite. There have been numerous bumpy times in my life when I adapted a mantra of “Thy Will, not mine be done” to get me through – and in the end, it always does. It’s one of the primary directives by which I live my life.
But sometimes more than others, it’s a tough posture to maintain. It’s an admission that although we’re trying our best, and doing everything we need to do – we’re ultimately powerless over the results. And alongside our heartfelt prayers for a good outcome, we’re kinda saying to God that, no matter what happens, it has to be O.K. with us.
No, not kinda… we’re saying it.
Whew, what an order! I’m not sure if I can go through with it right now.
This adventure in which I’m currently entrenched isn’t an unusual one. The initial results of a minor surgery I underwent about three weeks ago were spectacular. I felt better than I’ve felt in years – as if someone had given me a drink from the fountain of youth. More importantly, it made me recognize how impaired I’ve been in some areas lately.
But the symptoms have returned, and it’s a bit rough going for the moment. The doctor is taking an entirely new tack, using formerly unspoken terminology – some of which is intimidating. The good news is that I’ve asked the big questions, and I’ve been assured that ultimately everything should turn out O.K.
But it’s frightening. Who really knows for sure, right?
I don’t know about you, but in situations like these, if I’m not careful my mind will default to the most dire scenarios.
Immediately I thought of my last blog where I wrote about Randy Pausch and taking final inventory of our lives. “What if that was a Divine sign?” I’ve wondered. “What if God was giving me an opportunity to say my farewells, and I didn’t know it?” “What if this is one of God’s little ironic life and death scenarios and I’m the star of the show?”
“Holy Cow!” (or something similar…)
But a breath of sanity has just come to mind.
What about all the people I know who’ve undergone, and are undergoing some kind of health challenge?　Jeez, the list is endless. Come to think of it, most everyone I know has had one – or more.
And suddenly I’m realizing the truth: all that’s happening here is that it’s my turn at bat.
No big deal – no matter the outcome – it’s just my turn at bat.
And how have all those others dealt with their opposing pitchers? As far as I can see: with courage, graciousness, resolve, humor and… faith.
Shame on me for faltering. I should know better and recognize the lessons all those friends are helping to teach me. All I can do is try my best and leave the results to the God who loves me.
I’m not a fraud – no need to belittle myself or think of myself that way. I’m not a hypocrite – just a human being experiencing understandable emotions.
But I can choose faith in the Almighty rather than dwell in a morass of “what if’s”.
And I can remember everything for which I am so grateful and say, “Thank You, God, for every day of my life.”
It’s another series of opportunities to put my money where my mouth is.
My only question: are five dollar bills less fattening than twenties?